The Gift Worth Giving

Della and Jim, a young married couple, are very much in love. They live modestly, able to afford groceries and pay their rent, but there is nothing left over for extras, including savings. It’s Christmas Eve and Della only has $1.87 to buy Jim a Christmas gift. Desperate to find something perfect for him, she ends up selling her hair to a neighborhood beauty salon and uses the money to buy a platinum gold chain for the cherished pocket watch Jim inherited from his father. She can hardly wait for him to come home to surprise him with the gift.

When Jim comes home from work he can’t believe his eyes. “You cut your hair?” “Your hair is gone?” Della fears that Jim no longer finds her pretty without long hair. She admits to him that she sold her hair to buy him his present. Then Jim gives Della her present, a beautiful set of jeweled hair combs she had long admired, but never thought she’d receive. Now that her hair is short the combs are useless. Della shows Jim the watch chain she bought for him, and he tells her he sold his watch to get her the combs.

O. Henry, the author of the story, “The Gift of The Magi,” reminds us that even though Jim and Della are left with hair combs and a watch chain that are functionally useless, the real gift is their willingness to give up something cherished as an expression of their love for one another. The real gift is the gift of love and the story behind the gift.

A thing gains value based on its story. The gift is never as important as the story it tells.The most sentimental things aren’t things at all, but stories of the people and places we love, and the parts of ourselves we share.

Linda was a young single mother of eight-year-old twin daughters. She was in the last stages of cancer with little hope of survival unless she received a particular form of chemotherapy. Even then her chances were minimal, but there was still hope. She had no health insurance and the cost of the treatment, $600,000, was prohibitive. In a last attempt to save her life, Linda’s sister contacted the pharmaceutical company, and told them Linda’s story. As it turns out the company had a program for people in need. To everyone’s surprise, including Linda’s medical team, the pharmaceutical company granted the chemotherapy as a gift.

Unfortunately for Linda it was too late. But when you give lovingly from your heart, you never know who might benefit. The following year, around Christmas time, Linda’s sister received a note from a man she didn’t know which said, “I have my holidays to look forward to because of a gift I received. Medications intended for your sister became available for my wife’s cancer treatment and saved her life. Thank you.” He had spent the better part of a year tracking down Linda’s sister to express his gratitude. While Linda’s sister still wishes that Linda could have benefitted from the treatment, she cherishes the gift of gratitude received from a total stranger.

The impulse of love that flows through the heart is what moves us to give. It’s what motivated Linda’s sister to call the pharmaceutical company to ask for help. It’s what motivated Della and Jim to sacrifice something they valued to be able to give to each other. It’s what motivated a grateful husband to search for and find the woman responsible for securing medication that saved his wife’s life. So when you feel moved to give, do it. Don’t stop the pure flow of love in your heart. Holding back the desire to give is painful. Give all you have to each moment, holding nothing back. When you give, you are in alignment with the flow of life itself.

Dare to give what you most want. If you want love, give it the best way you can. If you want help, give support to others. If you want connection, instead of trying to get friendship, offer it.

Start living life by paying attention to your gifts, the ones you give and the ones you receive. What is the story the gift you are giving tells? What is the story behind the gift you are receiving? Don’t just focus on the thing. Remember, the most precious gifts of all are the gifts that tell a story. Cherish the story as much as the gift, and then make sure you tell the story.

Namaste

Don’t Demonize Difference

“Rather than demonize difference, yoga invites us to engage, embrace, and celebrate it. Yoga means union, the connection of body, heart, and mind, the connection of breath to movement, the connection of one human being to another. It is an invitation to intimacy with oneself and of connection to others.”–Gail Parker

In Hindu mythology, the Asuras, which simply means “Not Suras,” and the Suras were neighbors who had various shared and divergent interests. Neither group was particularly interested in interacting with or getting to know the other. Over time, for a complex set of reasons, the Asuras, who were at one time revered as gods, became known as demonic. What started out as different and unknown became confused with “other” in a negative sense. The Asuras came to be described as “darker beings,” evil spirits or demons, while the Suras were described as “beings of light,” as gods. The story of the Suras and the Asuras is ultimately the story of the demonization of “that which is not like me.”

Like the Suras and Asuras, we live in a complex world of difference that today, in a positive way, we would call diversity. We are members of a global community, different from each other but not separate. Instead of seeing our own views as the totality of the human experience, yoga offers the view of the human race as one family, each member with his or her own unique contributions, gifts and talents that need to be tapped, developed and shared.

We are not all the same. We don’t look alike, think alike, talk alike or act alike. We are not one. But unlike the Suras and Asuras who kept their distance from each other, yoga asks us to join together to get to know, honor, celebrate and share our perspectives and experiences with each other. It invites us to enter into relationship with that which is unfamiliar and “not like me” even if it makes us uncomfortable. Yoga doesn’t ask us to be the same because unity quickly devolves into conformity. Once that happens, difference becomes a problem. Even though there’s comfort in sameness, a desire for sameness is negative because it negates the other person’s perspective: “I wish you were like me, not like you.”

The negativity of sameness ruptures connection. There are two forms this negativity can take. First there’s devaluation of your self or someone else. Then there’s an elevation of your self over someone else. When we regard those who are different from us from a superior position, we annihilate them. When we regard our difference as a sign of inferiority, we engage in self-abuse. We feel like victims, and we annihilate ourselves.

Each one of us is a gift like a flower that emerges. Our yoga is to engage with our gifts and our experiences and then share them. All of our experiences, gifts and talents when drawn together and shared become the opportunity for evolution and growth. In sharing our gifts and our experiences, we nourish what is greater than ourselves, the community. In this process of sharing we discover and strengthen our connection to each other.

We don’t have to deny difference to keep from demonizing it. Our differences are part of what make us unique. But while we have different interests and backgrounds, we share a common humanity. Acknowledging differences does not have to divide us; in fact, acknowledging our differences can help us develop closer bonds through mutual understanding and respect.

Because of differences in national, cultural, gender, racial, ethnic and religious identity, and due to differences in sexual orientation, ability, disability, age, body size and learning styles, a person’s frame of reference and perspectives may be different from but no less valid than your own. Let us learn and then teach each other to embrace the totality of the human race as one’s own people, as members of the human family, no matter who they are or where they come from.

The pre-conditions of a functional community require that each of us value one another. We do this by:

Getting to know those who are different from us

Acknowledging each other’s differences

Affirming each other’s differences

Advocating for each other’s reality and potential

Sharing our gifts and talents

Respect for difference asks that we recognize that different does not mean better than or less than. It is not something to be hated, feared or eradicated. Different just means different. Engaging, embracing, and celebrating difference is our yoga.

Namaste

Love Is Patient

“That could take some time.” –Dr. Gopala Aiyar Sundaramoorthy

In Chinese folklore there once was a wise and humble man who had the most extraordinary gift. He could relate to anyone and got along with everyone. He never argued with friends, family, co-workers, or even strangers. His marriage was happy and his children were well behaved, respectful, kind and polite. He enjoyed remarkable harmony inside his home and out.

News of this amazing man traveled to the Emperor, who was so intrigued by the man’s reputation that he ordered him to come to the palace in order to meet him in person. After their meeting, the Emperor ordered the man, by royal proclamation, to write a 10,000-word document describing how everyone in the Empire could create peaceful relationships as he had done. The man was then sent off to write.

Five days later he returned to the palace with a heavy scroll that was immediately taken to the great hall and rolled out across a huge table. The Emperor’s court stood silently by as the Emperor began to read the scroll. Much to everyone’s delight,  in just a few minutes he nodded his approval . The man had written 10,000 words as the Emperor requested – but it was the same word written over and over and over again: Patience, Patience, Patience.

Patience is the ability to experience difficulty or inconvenience without complaining. Love is its foundation. Every loving heart overflows with patience. It is the way a mother shows her love to a toddler having a melt down, or the love a husband shows his wife when she’s running late, or the love a son shows his mother learning to use the latest technological gadget. Love and patience go together, hand in glove.

Patience is the loving response to frustration. Have you ever watched a small child trying to pour a glass of milk with unsteady hands? Can you wait to see if he actually needs your help to avoid a spill before you grab the milk carton and pour it yourself? If your wife (husband) is driving to a destination and going a different way than you anticipated, can you wait to see if she (he) asks for your help before you offer directions? How much frustration can you tolerate before you intervene with a solution to someone else’s problem?

Patience is measured by the ability to put up with something you’d rather not; falling in and out of a handstand before you nail it, waiting for the relationship you long for to manifest, waiting to hear the outcome of an important job interview, or for an injury to heal or an illness to abate. We wait patiently not for the sake of endurance but in the recognition that in a breath or two, “This too shall pass.”

A frustration, an unpleasant experience, or inconvenience does not last forever and it is the power of an open heart that gives us the strength to look toward a brighter future. Patience makes room for the power of love to work on a troubled relationship. It empowers love to care for a troubled child, and to take care of our selves when we are troubled.

Achieving a balanced mental outlook and inner-peace requires patience. Patience is the ability to remain open to love in every moment. It’s easy to love every moment when things are going well, but how do you do it when you are suffering?

To learn patience, practice being still. Slow down. Take a moment each day just to notice your breath. Is it fast or slow, deep or shallow? Slow it down. Deepen it. Savor it. Take the time to glimpse a rainbow, smell a rose, hear a baby laugh. Be still. Make a practice of waiting patiently. Love is patient. Just when you think you have come to the end of your rope and your patience has run out, love empowers you to endure just a little bit longer.

Namaste

Let Bygones Be Bygones

A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a woman also attempting to cross. She asked if they could help her. The junior monk, in keeping with his vows never to touch a woman, ignored her request for help and crossed to the other side of the raging river. The senior monk carried the woman on his shoulder, forded the river and let her down on the other bank. The junior monk was very upset, but said nothing. As they continued on their journey the senior monk noticed that the junior monk was suddenly silent and enquired, “Is something the matter? You seem very upset.” “As monks, we are not permitted to touch a woman,” the junior monk said. “How could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?” The senior monk replied, “I left the woman a long time ago at the river bank. However, you seem to be carrying her still.” This begs the question: What baggage are you carrying that you should have left behind a long time ago?

The arrival of spring is a good time to do some mental and emotional housecleaning and to finish up unfinished business from the past. You can start by doing an inventory of old grudges you still carry, like the boss who kept you from getting that much needed raise and that much deserved promotion, the friend who never paid you back the money you lent, or the person you love who broke your heart. Your unwillingness, or inability to let go of past hurts stunts your spiritual and emotional growth and can cause stress that may lead to physical illness. Carrying old grudges weighs you down and keeps you stuck in the past. Dwelling on past grievances is a form of emotional and mental clutter and keeps you from getting on with your life.

Don’t let life pass you by. Forgiveness is an important step toward letting go of past offenses. It releases you and the other person. It creates opportunities for new possibilities either to form new relationships, or to transform the relationship with the person you feel has wronged you. If you have unfinished business with someone you need to release forgive him first and then let him go. If you need to reconnect with someone so you can begin again forgive her first and then push the reset button.

Forgiveness doesn’t happen all at once. It is a process that requires regular and consistent practice. If you are having difficulty forgiving someone who you feel has wronged you, start the process by forgiving yourself. Admit it, most of the time when someone has done us wrong, we not only blame them for the wrong doing, we blame ourselves for not being smart enough to have avoided the offense. “How could I have been so blind?” “Why didn’t I see that coming?” “What I should have done/said instead was…” Instead of blaming, shaming or criticizing yourself for something you wish you hadn’t said or done, or wish you had done differently, try forgiving yourself using this four-step process

1. Identify what it is you feel you’ve done wrong or neglected to do right.
2.  Allow yourself to feel the remorse that comes from having done something you regard as wrong or neglected to do differently.
3.  Promise and mean that you will never do it again.
4.  If you do it again, repeat the first three steps of the forgiveness process and then don’t do it again. Forgiveness is a recursive process, not something you do once and for all.

As you practice forgiving yourself, you will discover that it becomes easier to forgive others. Don’t be like the young monk whose rigid adherence to a rule blinded him to the senior monk’s kindness. Leave the past where it belongs, in the past. As Jack Kornfield reminds us, “Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past.” Practice forgiveness. Step into the present moment. Let bygones be bygones.

Namaste

Peace of Mind

When everything around you is in turmoil, when chaos and confusion abound, how do you find peace of mind?
The ability to find peace within a chaotic situation was brought home to me most profoundly when I traveled as a pilgrim with 25 others to visit temples in South India. Being in the temples was stimulating, intense and at times overwhelming. The temples are places of ritual and worship but they are also like community centers where people pray, meditate, chant, celebrate, bathe in the temple tanks, sleep, and eat; children play there, and vendors conduct business on the colorfully decorated stone floors under gorgeously painted ceilings.  Everyone comes to the temple, worshippers, beggars, vendors, tourists, pilgrims, monkeys, goats, and even elephants.

The temples are the heart of the community and as such pulsate with life and energy. Quiet they are not. When we sat to meditate on the cool stone floors of these ancient buildings in our saris and dhotis in 90-degree heat the surroundings were anything but serene. Yet as I sat with 25 others in the midst of what felt like pandemonium, closed my eyes, focused on my breath, silently repeated a mantra I became so absorbed in the meditation that at some point all sound, movement, and any awareness of others disappeared. This, I thought, is peace of mind.

Peace of mind is not just a state of mind. It doesn’t happen automatically. It requires focused attention, commitment, and practice. It requires the 3 D’s – determination, dedication, and devotion. It means organizing and concentrating the unruly forces of the mind, sometimes referred to as monkey mind, on what can bring us peace instead of conflict. This means shifting our focus from an external to an internal perspective and contemplating peaceful responses to people, situations, and circumstances. 

In addition to a daily meditation practice one of the ways I practice peace of mind is by contemplating and meditating on wisdom that inspires me that others have shared. I especially enjoy these contemplations during the winter months when introspection seems to come more naturally. As the sun snuggles beneath her blanket of clouds to take her long winter’s nap it seems easy to turn within and contemplate the wisdom, that like a cup of comfort, soothes and calms. When I lose my way, when I become uncertain, when I become fearful, or despairing, these are words of wisdom that help me regain perspective and support me in being peaceful and serene. As we enter a new year, I hope some of the timeless wisdom that has touched my life can offer you comfort when you need it most.

Forgiveness
“Do not brood over your shortcomings or despise the lack of understanding that led you to them. In the net of experience, as well as in the net of wisdom, one can catch many butterflies of worthwhile lessons – even though it is sometimes the hard way.”  Paramahansa Yogananda

“Forgiveness means giving up all hope of a better past.” Jack Kornfield

“If you make a mistake don’t do it again. If you do it again, don’t do it again.” Gopalaiyar Sundaramoorty

Acceptance
“If you want to stop suffering, stop asking the Universe for what it’s not offering.” Buddhist Wisdom

“Ask for what you want, but don’t demand it. Accept whatever happens for now. Turn up your love even if you don’t get what you want.” A Course In Miracles

Love
“Let yourself be silently drawn by the strange pull of what you love. It will not lead you astray.” Rumi

“The day will come when after harnessing space, the winds, the tides, and gravitation, we shall harness for God the energies of love. And on that day, for the second time in the history of the world, we shall have discovered fire.”  Teilhard De Chardin

“The whole problem with people is…they don’t know what matters and what doesn’t. I was gonna say, the problem is they know what matters, but they don’t choose it. You know how hard that is Lily?,,,The hardest thing on earth is choosing what matters.” Sue Monk Kidd, “The Secret Life of Bees”

Rather than explaining what these snippets of wisdom and inspiration mean to me, if they speak to you, I hope you will contemplate them, meditate on them, derive your own meaning, and then apply what you learn to your interactions with others and to your daily activities.

If you feel inspired to do so, please share some of your favorite inspirational messages that bring you peace of mind.

Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti. Peace, Peace, Peace.

Namaste