Don’t Demonize Difference

“Rather than demonize difference, yoga invites us to engage, embrace, and celebrate it. Yoga means union, the connection of body, heart, and mind, the connection of breath to movement, the connection of one human being to another. It is an invitation to intimacy with oneself and of connection to others.”–Gail Parker

In Hindu mythology, the Asuras, which simply means “Not Suras,” and the Suras were neighbors who had various shared and divergent interests. Neither group was particularly interested in interacting with or getting to know the other. Over time, for a complex set of reasons, the Asuras, who were at one time revered as gods, became known as demonic. What started out as different and unknown became confused with “other” in a negative sense. The Asuras came to be described as “darker beings,” evil spirits or demons, while the Suras were described as “beings of light,” as gods. The story of the Suras and the Asuras is ultimately the story of the demonization of “that which is not like me.”

Like the Suras and Asuras, we live in a complex world of difference that today, in a positive way, we would call diversity. We are members of a global community, different from each other but not separate. Instead of seeing our own views as the totality of the human experience, yoga offers the view of the human race as one family, each member with his or her own unique contributions, gifts and talents that need to be tapped, developed and shared.

We are not all the same. We don’t look alike, think alike, talk alike or act alike. We are not one. But unlike the Suras and Asuras who kept their distance from each other, yoga asks us to join together to get to know, honor, celebrate and share our perspectives and experiences with each other. It invites us to enter into relationship with that which is unfamiliar and “not like me” even if it makes us uncomfortable. Yoga doesn’t ask us to be the same because unity quickly devolves into conformity. Once that happens, difference becomes a problem. Even though there’s comfort in sameness, a desire for sameness is negative because it negates the other person’s perspective: “I wish you were like me, not like you.”

The negativity of sameness ruptures connection. There are two forms this negativity can take. First there’s devaluation of your self or someone else. Then there’s an elevation of your self over someone else. When we regard those who are different from us from a superior position, we annihilate them. When we regard our difference as a sign of inferiority, we engage in self-abuse. We feel like victims, and we annihilate ourselves.

Each one of us is a gift like a flower that emerges. Our yoga is to engage with our gifts and our experiences and then share them. All of our experiences, gifts and talents when drawn together and shared become the opportunity for evolution and growth. In sharing our gifts and our experiences, we nourish what is greater than ourselves, the community. In this process of sharing we discover and strengthen our connection to each other.

We don’t have to deny difference to keep from demonizing it. Our differences are part of what make us unique. But while we have different interests and backgrounds, we share a common humanity. Acknowledging differences does not have to divide us; in fact, acknowledging our differences can help us develop closer bonds through mutual understanding and respect.

Because of differences in national, cultural, gender, racial, ethnic and religious identity, and due to differences in sexual orientation, ability, disability, age, body size and learning styles, a person’s frame of reference and perspectives may be different from but no less valid than your own. Let us learn and then teach each other to embrace the totality of the human race as one’s own people, as members of the human family, no matter who they are or where they come from.

The pre-conditions of a functional community require that each of us value one another. We do this by:

Getting to know those who are different from us

Acknowledging each other’s differences

Affirming each other’s differences

Advocating for each other’s reality and potential

Sharing our gifts and talents

Respect for difference asks that we recognize that different does not mean better than or less than. It is not something to be hated, feared or eradicated. Different just means different. Engaging, embracing, and celebrating difference is our yoga.

Namaste

Gratitude: A Habit of the Heart

The most powerful agent of growth and transformation is something much more basic than any technique: a change of heart. ~ John Welwood

Gratitude is more than a feeling. It is a practice. In the Native American tradition elders begin each ceremony with a prayer of gratitude to father sky, and mother earth, to the four directions, and to the animal, plant, and mineral brothers and sisters who share our earth and support our life. A Buddhist monk begins each day with a chant of gratitude for the blessings in his life. Tibetan monks even offer prayers of thanksgiving for their suffering: “Grant that I might have enough suffering to awaken in me the deepest possible compassion and wisdom.”

As we mature, one of our tasks is to move beyond a purely emotional response to life and to cultivate positive emotions as habits of the heart. What this means is that we practice being grateful when we don’t feel thankful, loving when we don’t feel loving, and kind when we’d rather be mean and surly. This is how we turn feelings, which come and go, into conscious, intentional attitudes that guide our actions even when we don’t “feel” like it. Our attitudes then become habits of the heart.

What you discover through focusing on and practicing gratitude is this: The more grateful you are, the more joyful you become. You become more joyful for yourself, and for the good fortune of others. You find that you can be happy for the people you love, for bright blue skies, warm sunshine, the scent of flowers in bloom, the soft caress of cool breezes blowing–even for your own breath. Instead of feeling guilty about your own good fortune, you become able to embrace pleasure even when you are aware of the suffering of others. The more grateful you become, the happier you feel for no apparent reason. You simply love life and enjoy being alive.

There is much to be grateful for even if we can’t always see it. Author Dawna Markova says it best when she reminds us, “Gratitude is like a flashlight. If you go out into your yard at night and turn on your flashlight, you can suddenly see what’s there. It has always been there, but you couldn’t see it in the dark.”

When you shine the flashlight of gratitude on your life you can see all of the blessings both great and small that have always been there. Like the Native American elders, gratitude helps us acknowledge and appreciate everything that sustains our lives each day.

Gratitude is an expression of our confidence that life itself is on our side, that good things will come our way, and that even when unwanted experiences visit us, we regard them as merely bumps in the road that can help us learn to become wiser, more complete, and more loving. Gratitude helps us acknowledge that the life force that the poet Tupac Shakur identified as enlivening “the rose that grew from the crack in the concrete” is the same life force that enlivens each and every one of us.

An attitude of gratitude is not judgmental, envious or jealous. It does not compare itself to anyone or anything. It does not compete or disparage; rather, it is an attitude that openly receives what the Universe is offering, the sun, the rain, the air, and the earth as that which supports all of life. Gratitude invites us to become engaged in the excitement and wonder of life.

One caution: Telling yourself or others that you or they should feel grateful is not helpful. Guilt doesn’t work. Gratitude springs from either a conscious decision to notice what’s right with your life instead of what’s wrong or what’s missing, or from a spontaneous opening of the heart to life’s wonders. If you’re like most people there will be days when it’s impossible to feel grateful for anything no matter how hard you try. When that happens, be kind to yourself. The less guilt tripping you do to yourself and others, the more space you create for gratitude to sweetly and softly envelope your heart.

As you intentionally cultivate an attitude of gratitude, it changes the way you view the world. When you practice being grateful you feel connected to the abundant flow of life. The more you say “Thank You” the more you experience the feeling and the richness of spirit that gratefulness produces. At such times you don’t need to work at being grateful; you just are.

Dhanyavad Ananda

Love Is Patient

“That could take some time.” –Dr. Gopala Aiyar Sundaramoorthy

In Chinese folklore there once was a wise and humble man who had the most extraordinary gift. He could relate to anyone and got along with everyone. He never argued with friends, family, co-workers, or even strangers. His marriage was happy and his children were well behaved, respectful, kind and polite. He enjoyed remarkable harmony inside his home and out.

News of this amazing man traveled to the Emperor, who was so intrigued by the man’s reputation that he ordered him to come to the palace in order to meet him in person. After their meeting, the Emperor ordered the man, by royal proclamation, to write a 10,000-word document describing how everyone in the Empire could create peaceful relationships as he had done. The man was then sent off to write.

Five days later he returned to the palace with a heavy scroll that was immediately taken to the great hall and rolled out across a huge table. The Emperor’s court stood silently by as the Emperor began to read the scroll. Much to everyone’s delight,  in just a few minutes he nodded his approval . The man had written 10,000 words as the Emperor requested – but it was the same word written over and over and over again: Patience, Patience, Patience.

Patience is the ability to experience difficulty or inconvenience without complaining. Love is its foundation. Every loving heart overflows with patience. It is the way a mother shows her love to a toddler having a melt down, or the love a husband shows his wife when she’s running late, or the love a son shows his mother learning to use the latest technological gadget. Love and patience go together, hand in glove.

Patience is the loving response to frustration. Have you ever watched a small child trying to pour a glass of milk with unsteady hands? Can you wait to see if he actually needs your help to avoid a spill before you grab the milk carton and pour it yourself? If your wife (husband) is driving to a destination and going a different way than you anticipated, can you wait to see if she (he) asks for your help before you offer directions? How much frustration can you tolerate before you intervene with a solution to someone else’s problem?

Patience is measured by the ability to put up with something you’d rather not; falling in and out of a handstand before you nail it, waiting for the relationship you long for to manifest, waiting to hear the outcome of an important job interview, or for an injury to heal or an illness to abate. We wait patiently not for the sake of endurance but in the recognition that in a breath or two, “This too shall pass.”

A frustration, an unpleasant experience, or inconvenience does not last forever and it is the power of an open heart that gives us the strength to look toward a brighter future. Patience makes room for the power of love to work on a troubled relationship. It empowers love to care for a troubled child, and to take care of our selves when we are troubled.

Achieving a balanced mental outlook and inner-peace requires patience. Patience is the ability to remain open to love in every moment. It’s easy to love every moment when things are going well, but how do you do it when you are suffering?

To learn patience, practice being still. Slow down. Take a moment each day just to notice your breath. Is it fast or slow, deep or shallow? Slow it down. Deepen it. Savor it. Take the time to glimpse a rainbow, smell a rose, hear a baby laugh. Be still. Make a practice of waiting patiently. Love is patient. Just when you think you have come to the end of your rope and your patience has run out, love empowers you to endure just a little bit longer.

Namaste

Let Bygones Be Bygones

A senior monk and a junior monk were traveling together. At one point, they came to a river with a strong current. As the monks were preparing to cross the river, they saw a woman also attempting to cross. She asked if they could help her. The junior monk, in keeping with his vows never to touch a woman, ignored her request for help and crossed to the other side of the raging river. The senior monk carried the woman on his shoulder, forded the river and let her down on the other bank. The junior monk was very upset, but said nothing. As they continued on their journey the senior monk noticed that the junior monk was suddenly silent and enquired, “Is something the matter? You seem very upset.” “As monks, we are not permitted to touch a woman,” the junior monk said. “How could you then carry that woman on your shoulders?” The senior monk replied, “I left the woman a long time ago at the river bank. However, you seem to be carrying her still.” This begs the question: What baggage are you carrying that you should have left behind a long time ago?

The arrival of spring is a good time to do some mental and emotional housecleaning and to finish up unfinished business from the past. You can start by doing an inventory of old grudges you still carry, like the boss who kept you from getting that much needed raise and that much deserved promotion, the friend who never paid you back the money you lent, or the person you love who broke your heart. Your unwillingness, or inability to let go of past hurts stunts your spiritual and emotional growth and can cause stress that may lead to physical illness. Carrying old grudges weighs you down and keeps you stuck in the past. Dwelling on past grievances is a form of emotional and mental clutter and keeps you from getting on with your life.

Don’t let life pass you by. Forgiveness is an important step toward letting go of past offenses. It releases you and the other person. It creates opportunities for new possibilities either to form new relationships, or to transform the relationship with the person you feel has wronged you. If you have unfinished business with someone you need to release forgive him first and then let him go. If you need to reconnect with someone so you can begin again forgive her first and then push the reset button.

Forgiveness doesn’t happen all at once. It is a process that requires regular and consistent practice. If you are having difficulty forgiving someone who you feel has wronged you, start the process by forgiving yourself. Admit it, most of the time when someone has done us wrong, we not only blame them for the wrong doing, we blame ourselves for not being smart enough to have avoided the offense. “How could I have been so blind?” “Why didn’t I see that coming?” “What I should have done/said instead was…” Instead of blaming, shaming or criticizing yourself for something you wish you hadn’t said or done, or wish you had done differently, try forgiving yourself using this four-step process

1. Identify what it is you feel you’ve done wrong or neglected to do right.
2.  Allow yourself to feel the remorse that comes from having done something you regard as wrong or neglected to do differently.
3.  Promise and mean that you will never do it again.
4.  If you do it again, repeat the first three steps of the forgiveness process and then don’t do it again. Forgiveness is a recursive process, not something you do once and for all.

As you practice forgiving yourself, you will discover that it becomes easier to forgive others. Don’t be like the young monk whose rigid adherence to a rule blinded him to the senior monk’s kindness. Leave the past where it belongs, in the past. As Jack Kornfield reminds us, “Forgiveness is giving up all hope for a better past.” Practice forgiveness. Step into the present moment. Let bygones be bygones.

Namaste

Ignorance Is Not Bliss

Yoga is a pathway to happiness. As more and more people have begun to practice yoga postures, some once or twice a week, others everyday, they find that yoga gives them more than a physical workout. It also offers a sense of peace, inner strength, and resilience. It encourages us to live in harmony with nature and to choose actions that are healthy not only for ourselves, but also for others and the planet as well. Yoga helps us cleanse ourselves physically as well as psychologically and find our inner smile.

But what happens when the peace you experience on your yoga mat is disrupted by life’s ins and outs, its ups and downs? How do you take your yoga off the mat and make it a way of life? One way is to practice accepting reality as it is, not as you want it to be.

Have you ever caught yourself wishing that a situation would be different than it is? How many times do you pretend everything is great, hoping the problem will just disappear? Sometimes reality makes us feel uncomfortable or frustrated. Life doesn’t always go according to our plan. When we get bad news or fall on hard times, we naturally wish the situation were different. Our unwillingness to face the situation head on, not the situation itself, is what causes us to suffer.

Click on the cartoon to view it full size.

Yoga teaches us that ignorance, in Sanskrit it is called avidya, is not bliss,  that knowledge is power. When we avoid reality, it is impossible to deal with the situation. That’s when we feel helpless and start to worry. We can make the situation worse than it actually is. Think about the times you have avoided phone calls that you thought might bring bad news, and then worried all night. Or the times you’ve avoided opening mail you didn’t want to read and then tortured yourself all day with what it might contain. Or about the time you avoided seeking medical advice for fear of what might be wrong and suffered needlessly not knowing the truth.

Have you ever bent the truth to avoid a confrontation or tortured yourself with thoughts of what might have been to avoid feeling regret? “If only I had turned left instead of right.” “If only I had taken the job I turned down instead of the one I took.” “If only I hadn’t spent all the money.” “If only I hadn’t gone on an eating binge, a drinking binge or shopping binge.” “If only I hadn’t gotten married, had gotten married, had children, didn’t have children.”

If only I could change reality.

The “If Onlies” are a form of denial and defense against feeling helpless. You are capable of looking at every situation realistically, from  the most trivial to the most serious. As unpleasant as certain realities can sometimes be, avoiding, denying or ignoring reality is an energy drain, a waste of time and in some cases, as we see in the Calvin and Hobbs cartoon above, dangerous. Avoiding reality is the cause of our suffering not the reality itself.

To strengthen your resolve to face reality head on, even if you do feel helpless to change the situation, before you begin each day recite the Serenity Prayer: “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” And then remind yourself, whether you like the reality of your situation or not, – Reality Is Manageable. Knowing this can help you solve whatever problem you face, find your inner smile, and your place of bliss.

Namaste